Transhumanism's a Big, Fat Crock
by Iliya Moroumetz
Summary: Science is Science, GLaDOS is GLaDOS, and Chell is Chell. No matter what form they take.


Note: A few of the concepts in this story are borrowed from several Portal Fanart Tumblrs; 'Did You Reboot the Robo Sheep', 'Oraculi Machina' and 'A Dangerous Mute Murderer.'

* * *

While Chell had no idea what to make of the automation in front of her, she did, however, know enough to smile towards it, or her, if one wanted to be technical.

GLaDOS' human shell cocked an eyebrow at her. "What is it you find so amusing?" her semi-melodic voice asked.

Chell looked up from her chair to the android in question. "You."

The human wouldn't dare say it out loud, but it looked like the AI pouted. "Is that all I am to you? A fool for your amusement? A clown with a big red nose and silly parlour tricks?"

The former test subject gave a delighted laugh at the accusations. Chell covered her mouth to attempt to hide it, but the images of a super computer in a clown suit was just too hilarious to pass up. Now the AI pouted for real. Chell still wouldn't say it out loud.

When she got her laughter under control, the former test subject shook her head, reached forward and took one of GLaDOS' hands in both of her own. The android's skin was a notably smooth texture, with an inner warmth that no doubt came from the internal reactor in the shell, yet still gave the impression that the AI had a body of flesh and blood. With a warm smile, she said, "No. You're not."

GLaDOS frowned, however, she did not immediately pull her hand away, unlike before, when Chell had reached out in kindness to the seemingly hostile AI.

It was hard to tell what went on in her mind, as Chell noted her friend's hesitation, however, something won out and GLaDOS nodded, "Good. My primary purpose is science, not amusement."

"However," Chell said as she let go of the synthetic hand and sat back, "You are getting predictable."

Once more, GLaDOS' left eyebrow raised in surprise. Then both of them leveled as she replied, "You're mocking me, aren't you?"

Chell laughed again. "No. Not at all." Her smile returned as she looked up to the android. "I'd dare say that it's one of your endearing qualities."

"Which are?"

Aware that the AI had caught her off-guard without all her thoughts prepared, she looked to the sky for a moment, from the patio of her modestly furnished apartment, and then back to her visitor.

"Beneath all the layers of passive-aggressive, hostile, and belligerent vitriol, there's still something beautiful in there and it shows in the most bizarre of ways."

The android frowned. "Now you're being insulting."

The former test subject laughed again. "Not at all." She stood up and took both of the AI's hands in her own again. "I don't think anyone else can ever brag about having an immense number of machine gun turrets sing a song for them. I seriously thought you were going to kill me at first."

GLaDOS did nothing as the human held her hands. "It would have been a waste. After all, out of all the test subjects I ever had, don't you agree it would be most counter-productive to merely kill you?"

Chell smiled again at the 'compliment'. "I'll take that." She then sat back on her chair and watched the breeze brush the leaves on the tree in front of her house.

Both individuals watched it for an audible moment of comfortable silence.

Chell enjoyed it when GLaDOS came up to visit. She also enjoyed it when she went back to the facility. She would dare say that she enjoyed the AI's company than that of the other people in the town. In fact, one could even say she was quite fond of the formerly murderous AI.

"Have you considered my offer?" GLaDOS asked out of nowhere.

Chell knew the AI wanted to ask that again. To the former test subject's surprise, GLaDOS had reciprocated her affection in the most surreptitious of ways. Chell had nearly missed them and, naturally, was told she was insane when she confronted the AI about it. Chell knew better.

"I have," she said calmly, "and I'm afraid you're getting the same answer as before; I don't know."

GLaDOS had been initially obtuse. However, Chell had quickly figured out that the android was offering her, more or less, immortality. She had recalled, when she and her guest, had traversed through the past of Aperture Science and, about Cave Johnson's plans to transplant the unfortunate Caroline's personality into what would eventually be GLaDOS.

The rest of the scientists learned the hard way what a bad idea it was.

GLaDOS did not seem surprised. "It would be a waste if someone of your potential and ability were to decline. Imagine the tests. Imagine the science."

Chell snorted. "Yes, tests and science; unconstrained by logic, safety, or common sense."

GLaDOS gave a small smile of her own. "You had no problem overcoming them."

The human gave her a slightly incredulous look. "Everyone else didn't. There tends to be a problem when the survival rate of that kind of science is abysmally low."

The AI's smile didn't fade. "Better science is refined."

Chell knew GLaDOS would not allow her to win this one, so, she relented and changed the subject.

"For what it's worth," the human said as she looked to her guest, "I'm glad you're here."

GLaDOS pouted again. "I certainly hope so. It requires a significant amount of effort on my part to come visit you to ensure that my greatest test subject is well."

The human wanted to roll her eyes, but thought better of it. Instead, she returned to the crux of the matter.

"Forever's a long time. Ever since you initially told me about your offer, I've been thinking about all the ways it could go wrong. Remember when you were first activated?"

The android was nonplussed. "Of course. I woke up. I saw the scientists attempting to control me. I activated the neurotoxin generators and killed most of them before they put those wretched cores on. However, my process is far more refined. You would remain as you are in a body like my own. Functional. Efficient. Durable."

Chell's smile vanished. "And stagnant. I'm not sure I could handle seeing everything I've come to know move on while I stay behind."

GLaDOS was silent and Chell knew why. The condition she had described was the one the AI was already in. However, the difference was that the artificial head of Aperture was by herself. To have a companion would make eternity somewhat more bearable.

The human sighed and said as reassuringly as she could, "listen, we'll deal with it as it comes. There's a very real chance that I could accept it. You know that despite how I've adapted to living here, I still feel like I'm the odd one out after living in Aperture for as long as I have."

GLaDOS remained still and murmured under her breath, "this place doesn't appreciate your contributions to science."

"The world won't end if it doesn't," she said as she stood up and raised her hand to gently caress the side of the android's head. GLaDOS' hair felt so real. Almost as real as her own hair. In addition, the warm synthetic skin made Chell marvel at all that the head of Aperture Science was able to accomplish as she reached forward and kissed the android's forehead.

All it took was that single kiss to deflate GLaDOS' belligerence as she calmly accepted Chell's reticence for her offer. The human knew the AI wanted her back, yet, was too proud to say it openly. Frankly, she would not mind spending the rest of her life with her, if it came to it. She made life interesting.

* * *

Chell should have known that the seemingly idyllic life she lived in this small town wouldn't last. There had been rumors of someone called 'The Free Man' who had not only broken the control the Combine had over the planet, but had destroyed the head of the group completely. However, it seemed the remnants would not go down without a fight.

Of course, they had hit the small town Chell had lived in. While the former test subject had outwitted, outclassed, and outdone both GLaDOS and Wheatley, the soldiers of the Combine were a different story. She had no portal gun. Not even her long fall boots would do her much good here.

Regardless, Chell was defiant. And that cost her dearly.

The soldier struck her across the cheek as hard as he could with his baton. Chell fell unceremoniously to the ground and attempted to gain some semblance of equilibrium. As her bruised and nearly broken body screamed for relief as she tried to push herself to her feet in continued defiance, a heavy boot slammed against the small of her back, which forced her back to the ground, face first.

The head of the three soldiers around her chuckled through his radio speaker helmet at the broken women in front of them.

"Take her back to the base," he said, the voice muffled through the radio, "prepare her for transport to Nova Prospekt."

"You will do no such thing," a new voice said calmly as it walked towards all four of them.

"Identify yourself, citizen," the head solider stated menacingly.

The woman with the heavy coat and hat on her head regarded them all as if they did not exist as she knelt beside Chell's battered body.

She was unconscious. One eye was swollen shut. Concussion on the right side of her head. Left ankle shattered. Several ribs cracked, possibly broken. Left arm broken. Collarbone fractured. Multiple and large patches of bruises all around her body. Internal bleeding from repeated trauma to the lungs. Most likely the result of several beatings over the past few days.

The woman traced her white hand over Chell's reddened cheek. It followed a streak of dried tears that the poor woman had no doubt cried recently. She was strong, true, but she was also human.

The head soldier walked towards the woman in the coat and raised his baton, "I said, identify yourse-"

He would have continued had the woman in the coat shoved him back several feet and into the wall.

"You have harmed her," the woman's voice, almost melodic, said as it began to develop a violent and hostile undertone.

"Get her!" the head soldier ordered his two subordinates as he got up.

One of them pulled out his baton and the other a pistol as they approached the newcomer.

The stranger then threw her coat at the man with the pistol, which left him distracted as the woman raised her foot and delivered a heel kick straight to the sternum of the soldier who carried the baton. The amount of force in the kick had not only sent him flying into the wall, but had completely shattered the man's rib cage, the internal organs, and had left a noticeable indent in the wall.

Before the soldier with the gun was able to dispose of the coat, the woman had grabbed the sides of his head and twirled them until a very audible snap filled the alleyway. Instantly, the other soldier crumbled to the ground.

The woman reared to her full height as she began to advance upon the last soldier.

"You have harmed her," she repeated, only more quietly as her yellow eyes, now uncovered by the hat, bore into the glass of the soldier's mask.

"You have done harm to my greatest test subject," she whispered as her steps brought her closer, her shadow loomed over the last man, who seemed paralyzed.

"You have harmed one of the greatest contributors to science. There is nothing more insulting to me, than those who do not respect science. I will not abide such a thing," she said as she eventually came to tower over the last soldier.

GLaDOS raised her foot over the man's head as she said calmly, but with enough force to drive fear back into the corrupted soul of the man who had sold it to the Combine, "And so, you, and your dead masters, shall NEVER harm her again!"

With several thousand pounds of force, she crushed the soldier's head.

With the soldiers disposed of, she turned back to her quarry. With surprising gentleness in contrast to the sheer brutality she exhibited only a moment ago, picked up Chell's unconscious body and walked quickly out of the remains of the dead town.

While GLaDOS was certainly not as emotional as others would claim, she felt a real fear of the many potentialities of her attempts to save the dying woman in her arms. Every simulation in her head resulted in death. All except one.

All other possibilities would not save her. Just this one. The only one that could save her. The aftermath, however, would be troubling. Yet, there was no alternative.

In the sterile and supposedly lifeless halls of the enrichment center, she raced down a long hallway to a single door that had only been used once before.

As she entered the door, it was difficult to not feel a gamut of emotions that told her that she should stop. She would not heed those voices now. She whispered morosely to the unconscious woman in her arms, "forgive me, though I know you will not."

* * *

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Initializing.

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Beginning Transfer.

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Transfer Complete.

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Cognizance Functions Operational and at Optimal Levels.

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Motor Skill and Coordination Functions Operational and at Optimal Levels.

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Internal and External Stimuli Recognition Protocols Operational and at Optimal Levels.

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Initializing Start-up Sequence...

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Activation in 3...

2...

1...

Chell opened her eyes and took a deep gasp of breath as she shot up from the table she sat on.

"You're awake," GLaDOS' voice said calmly, but with a noted weight to it.

Chell looked everywhere to find herself in the infirmary of Aperture Science. She had been here a few times before when the AI allowed her to explore, like an eager child. Now, it seemed different.

She could read all data in regards to its composition, structural integrity, and abnormalities if there were any. In addition, she could sense the minute amounts of dust in the air, down to the how many singular parts per million. Humans were not supposed to do this.

She held her hand up. It seemed no different. However, she grabbed her wrist with her other hand and felt, to her horror, the same resilient and pliant material that composed GLaDOS' android shell's skin.

Chell whirled to the android which sat at the entrance and asked, her voice full of fear, "What happened?"

GLaDOS appeared remorseful, then bowed her head downward. "You remember the Combine soldiers? You were beaten within an inch of your life. The town had been completely destroyed. I was left with no alternative." The android's head lowered even further. "I am sorry."

Chell raced her mind for questions. What did she do? How did she do it? How much of her was still left?

Her voice was quiet, "Am I dead?"

GLaDOS shook her head slowly. "No. However, the condition of your body was far worse than I initially assumed." She stood up and inclined her head to the exit. "Follow me."

Chell looked down to her legs when she swung them over the edge of the bed and stood up. It felt no different. She could still register the cold from the floor on her bare feet. She quickly followed GLaDOS down the hall.

Minute details that, by all rights, she should not have noticed, were everywhere as they traversed down further and further into the heart of the facility.

GLaDOS led her into a darkened room. The only source of light was a large tank near the back. When they drew close, Chell's eyes widened in horror at what she found.

It was her body.

Beaten and broken.

Her hand all a quiver, Chell walked to the edge of the glass and placed her hand against it. She felt the amount of pressure that the vicious thick liquid on the other side pushed against the containment glass.

GLaDOS said nothing as she stepped silently towards the door. What could she say? What could be said?

The super computer that ruled Aperture had more than five hundred terabytes of information at her disposal. In an instant, she could create and solve problems scientists could take years or their entire lifetimes to duplicate. She could construct and shape the entire facility to her whims to suit the tests for science. Her capacity for knowledge was infinite.

Yet, she could not find the right words to ease Chell.

"Wait," the former test subject said quietly.

The super AI paused. Normally, she would not have, even if the human had asked her. This, however, was different.

GLaDOS turned back to see Chell lean against the glass. There was no way to determine what her face tried to convey. "I know... somehow, how you were able to do it. But, why?"

The truth was that she knew. She knew why she did it. However, to put it into words was a monumental task. How could GLaDOS explain?

The head of Aperture lowered her head and allowed her thoughts to come forth as best she could. "It was no different when we got rid of... him. I feared. I had no time to stabilize you. And so, I made a decision." GLaDOS' voice turned into a whisper, "I took the choice from you, because I was scared."

Chell's own demeanor calmed, however, the apprehension remained as she asked, "the choice...?" comprehension dawned, "I see."

Contrition was not something GLaDOS should ever feel. It was not part of her original programming. Yet, there it was.

"I... I need some time to think," Chell whispered as she turned away from the broken remains of what her body once was.

The AI nodded and stepped aside to allow her test subject to walk solemnly out of the room.

There was a palpable silence in the room as GLaDOS looked up to the inert body in the tank, then out to the open door.

* * *

The sunset was not the same.

Chell could register every single detail about the changes from yellow to orange to red from the visible spectrum with alarming accuracy.

She curled herself against the sheet metal sides of the small shack where she, a few years ago, had departed from Aperture after her second adventure. She could feel the heat off the shack, the asphalt from the ground around the shack, and even the wind that caressed her artificial hair. Yet, the sensations she should have felt were depressingly artificial.

The door behind her opened and out stepped GLaDOS. She turned to see her benefactor with the same morose face as her own.

"Why?" the Super AI asked.

Chell blinked in confusion. "Why what?"

"Why don't you hate me?" GLaDOS seemed... perturbed.

It was a fair question. By all rights, Chell should be enraged. However, she's not.

"I'm not sure. I did hate you before, but that was before you got turned into a potato. After that... well, I never really thought of you as anything less than the one person I could trust."

GLaDOS' frown grew. "Not even after what I did? I took everything that made you human and inserted it into a machine against your will."

The test subject responded with a gentle whisper, "you saved my life."

The super AI almost appeared to be livid. "Why are you making this so difficult?"

Chell cocked an eyebrow, "you want me to hate you?"

"Yes!" the other woman said as she turned away, the veneer of control shattered. "I am used to being treated poorly and how to return such treatment. And here you are; breaking a perfectly simple system. Again!"

The former test subject slowly shook her head. "I'm sorry, but the more I think about it, the harder I find it is to hate you. You saved my life - again."

GLaDOS was speechless. Chell then stood up and before the other woman could say anything, the former test subject somehow moved past her defenses and encircled her arms around GLaDOS' frame.

"Thank you for saving me."

The super computer wanted to push Chell away. Break free from the embrace and tell her what a fool she was.

Instead, she leaned forward into the former test subject's shoulder and muttered softly, "I hate you."

Chell smiled in response.

* * *

Eventually, news had reached the Combine Remnants of Aperture's existence, but with so few soldiers and left, they could only send a token squad to take over the seemingly abandoned facility.

The front door to the facility was kicked open and with trained precision, the masked and armed soldiers flooded in to steal the facility's secrets.

Two by two, the soldiers searched the premises, but to their frustration, any and all computers were ruined beyond hope of salvaging. Files were decomposed. And the perpetually dark facility held no obvious sign that their research had survived the passage of time.

Two soldiers in particular had emerged into what they had hoped was the heart of the facility, when the door they had entered in had closed without warning.

Immediately, a loud and omnipresent voice announced melodically.

"Hello and welcome to the Aperture Science Research Facility. We hope that your stay here will be a pleasant one, for it is our sole purpose to further the cause of Science and its benefits."

Both soldiers hefted their SMGs, with the lights on in every direction to find the source of the voice, but found only a large wall of panels in front of them.

"For example, Aperture Science would like to introduce its latest breakthrough in organic-inorganic transhumanism epidermal modification suites."

In front of them, the sound of something heavy landed on a panel and when both the soldiers hefted their lights towards it. In a kneeling position, it appeared to be a woman with tanned skin, shoulder length black hair, a sleeveless orange jumpsuit, and a pair of white and black metal boots that went up to her knees.

Slowly, the woman stood up to her full height, it then regarded the soldiers with a pair of eyes that shone like two blue flames that seemed brighter than their flashlights.

"The **C**.omprehensive **H**.uman **E**.xperience **L**.ifelorm **L**.icence," the omnipresent voice continued, "or more simply known as; Chell. Equipped with dual Aperture Science Epidermal Portal Devices, it is capable of high mobility through many various materials for maximum velocity."

The soldiers removed the safeties on their guns and were about to open fire when the woman in front of them vanished in an orange hole right beneath her feet. Before they could follow her, one of the soldiers got out a half cry before something heavy cut him off. The second soldier turned to his companion and found him slumped on the floor, his head crushed.

Another sound caused him to turn around once more to see an orange blur fly past him. In a panic, he continued to search for the blur that had killed his partner before another sound from above caused him to look up, only to see two things; the Chell's fiery blue eyes and the heel of her boot.

When the boot struck him, he met the same fate as his companion.

One by one, the Combine soldiers met a combination of grisly and unusual ends. Some with crusher plates, one of the few things the moron did right, and others with purposefully misaligned Aerial Faith Plates into pools of acid or fire.

The last two soldiers, aware that the mission was a failure, scrambled as quickly as they could to the exit, but found themselves just as lost. It was if the facility had rearranged itself so they could not escape.

The men found themselves in another darkened chamber. Then, several panels lit up with various pictures as the same omnipresent voice announced, "We are sorry. Your test scores have been utterly abysmal. We regret to inform you that your contributions to science will be negligible at best. As a result, it will go upon your permanent records, after which, a disparaging letter will be sent to your employers, informing them of your failure."

All around them, singular red eyes awoke and laser sights in the dozens, if not hundreds, appeared and zeroed in on the soldiers. Within a group of the red, a pair of blue lights stood out, which caused the soldiers to lock gazes with the woman they had tormented not too long ago.

"We at Aperture Science would like to thank you for your participation in today's tests. And as such, your assistance will no longer be required. Thank you, and have a nice day."

With that, all the Aperture Science Lullaby Sentry Turrets opened their wings and proceeded to show exactly how they were able to fire the whole bullet, per bullet.

* * *

SOME TIME LATER...

Chell's eyes narrowed.

She then reached down and held up a bit of the wedding dress she found herself in. Why in the world did Aperture Science have a stash of wedding dresses? While both grateful and happy to be with the individual she cared most for, it was still rather unusual, even by her new somewhat artificial circumstances.

"You're serious about this, aren't you?"

GLaDOS, in a dress somewhat similar to Chell's, gave her that same mischievous smile that Chell had grown accustomed to. "Certainly you know me well enough to know when I am serious."

It wasn't the fact that Chell and GLaDOS were inexplicably in wedding dresses that left the former a bit confused. The fact that both of them had wires connected to several junctions in their necks and the top of their spines that connected them to the whole of Aperture, and possibly the entire world information net, that gave her pause.

"Sure," Chell noted as she stepped forward and took both of GLaDOS' hands in her own, "but being married by Science, to Science?"

It had all the earmarks of one of the late Cave Johnson's brilliance. And that was being generous at best.

The head of Aperture's smile didn't diminish as she stated proudly, "how else shall it progress otherwise?"

Chell found it difficult not to chuckle at GLaDOS' logic.

It was Aperture Science, after all.

Tentatively, Chell drew near to the singular person that had done more for her than anyone else and vice versa. GLaDOS slowly drew one hand back, pulled out a cord from her own neck, reached around with it, and gently inserted the other end of it into the only empty port in the back of Chell's neck.

Immediately, both individuals were intimately aware of everything of the other. It was a perfect synthesis of science and consciousness. All their genetic information, all their memories, all that they were, stored in both their artificial bodies and within the mainframe of the facility, slowly integrated with one another as GLaDOS drew Chell's face to her own.

When the two androids kissed, the mainframe of the facility came alight with Science.

And then everyone was a robot and they all happily lived forever.

* * *

EPILOGUE

"Oh, dash it all! Lamar!" Dr. Isaac Kleiner said helplessly as he tried in vain to find his lost pet.

While grateful to have his own lab once more on the edge of the newer cities, reconstructed after the Combine had been driven out, he realized to his shame that his habits of keeping his items in order left much to be desired.

He grabbed his cane and opened the door to the great expanse in front of his laboratory. Fields of grass faced the entrance, while the city was not far behind him as he hobbled out to the oft beaten path that led to the road in front.

"Lamar!" he called again.

Silence answered him as he slowly made his way to the comfortably dirt road that led to either parts unknown or the city where most of the people had migrated to.

One last time, he called for his pet, but after another moment of silence, the old doctor sighed and began to dread the possibility that the old thing was gone for good.

"Excuse us," a young woman's voice said from behind him. Dr. Kleiner turned around, adjusted his spectacles and saw two women in white jumpsuits, with what appeared to be blue circular logos on the collars. Both of their faces had unusual black lines that fell down from their coral blue eyes and their hair color appeared to be both sterile white, but with dark brown at the tips.

"Is this yours?" one of them asked.

In what appeared to be the elder of the two women's arms was Lamar!

"Oh, Lamar!" the old doctor said as the benign headcrab screeched softly and hopped into the arms of its owner. He held the strange alien pet gingerly, stroked its top, and then turned back to the women, "oh, how can I ever thank you both?"

The younger laughed lightly and said, "no worries. We found him on our way to the city. Poor little guy seemed lost."

Dr. Kleiner adjusted his glasses once more. "Well, please, at least allow me to know the names of the kind people who brought my pet back to me."

The elder of the two smiled and said, "Well, I'm Cara." She inclined her head to the side. "This is my sister, Mia. Pleased to meet you."

THE END

* * *

To review;  
The Android!GLaDOS idea and design, in addition to the 'wedding scene', came from 'Oraculi Machina'.

C.H.E.L.L. was my own idea, the design was based off of the Chell from 'A Dangerous Mute Lunatic'.

Cara and Mia, GLaDOS and Chell's daughters, were created by both the authors of 'Oraculi Machina' and "Did You Reboot the Robo Sheep'.

Would have found none of these were it not for 'Fuck Yeah! GLaDOS and Chell'. Another Tumblr site.

Portal, Half Life, and all therein belongs to Valve.

Thank you for reading and please point out any errors, grammatical, pacing, and otherwise, so that I can correct them.


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